Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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