Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
