If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
