I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
