I wish they made helmets for livers.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
