I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
