i need an iv and a liver transplant
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
