don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
two words: eviction party
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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