you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
