So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i think i just lost a toe
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
