I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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