party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
