I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
