I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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