remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
