I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
