i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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