i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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