There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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