Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I party with great urgency now.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
