he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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