I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
