ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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