two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
