just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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