I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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