Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
