ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
