If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
