There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
