A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
