So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
