when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
