i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
