tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
if only i could text you this smell
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
