god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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