I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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