Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
And then he peed in my hair
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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