You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Come share oat with me in your robe
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
