tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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