I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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