I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
