The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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