I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
