My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
