She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
