Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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