My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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