They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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