i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
