best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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